According to an article published on PBS.com, medical experts are now warning against the use of timeouts as a form of discipline. The criticism puts timeout in the ranks of spanking and yelling in terms of punishments that can supposedly cause mental harm to developing minds. Actually, it takes aim at punishments, period.
In the world of parenting, there are so many opinions out there when it comes to discipline and punishments that it’s often difficult to distinguish what’s best for your child. So what happens when the advice leaves you with no discipline at all?
Many parents opt for online research, parenting forums, friendly or family advice, or even parenting classes to help them decide how to handle those inevitably tough situations through the years of raising kids. The article on PBS.org shares the story of one such parenting couple who went to a class to gain some tips on how to handle their little one.
According to the article, “Not 15 minutes into the eight-hour class, certified parenting instructor Linda Hatfield, who runs a Southern California program called Parenting from the Heart, explained that decades of neuroscience and social research have shown that timeouts and other methods of punishment are not only ineffective in steering the behavior of children but outright damaging.” Wait. What?
According to the author of the article, you could have heard a pin drop in the room after the instructor dropped that bomb. No punishment? How in the bloody hell do you get the little beasts to behave if there is no punishment for bad actions?
The article continues with the crazy talk. “All punishments are ineffective because the vast majority of kids don’t misbehave; they behave. They behave like kids. They don’t do things to be bad; they do things because those things are age-appropriate, or because they’re still learning, or because they’re not getting some basic need met,” Linda told the class. So um, how are they supposed to learn the right behaviors then?
Maybe they need a hug. Linda explains that children as a whole are not being bad and as such, don’t need punishment, they need guidance. “Maybe they are hungry or tired; maybe they are overstimulated or overwhelmed; maybe they need a hug. Or maybe they just don’t know how to process whatever emotion they’re feeling. All behavior is communication,” she said. Ok, we get it, but we’re not sure we’re buying it.
The authors state children should be approached with calm voices, smiles and lots of love and understanding, but above all, they deserve to be truly listened to. I can get on board with that, but the smiling thing? Not so much.
We gave it a whirl at dinner tonight – strictly out of curiosity. For research purposes, I told my husband about the little experiment first so he wouldn’t think I was completely nuts (because yes, it is completely nuts to think you can parent strictly with smiles and sunshine all of the time).
At dinner, our darling little 3-year-old decided to grab the container of parmesan cheese and hug it like it was grandma. For 5 whole minutes. So, I smiled at her and kindly asked, “Please give mommy the parmesan cheese, honey.” To which, she smiled back politely, thought for a minute and said, “Um… No. I don’t think I’m done with it.”
You know what smiling got me? A toddler who still refused to listen, but now with a creepy smile on her face while she defiantly told me no. Parent fail #31,274. Or was it 31,275? I can’t keep track anymore.
So why on earth is there seemingly a war against all forms of punishment and discipline? According to the experts, “Punishment in any form is harmful, because it takes the core need of the child and uses it as a bargaining chip.”
But isn’t that just preparing them for life in general? Life in general is a series of trade offs or “bargaining chips” to meet our needs. We work to provide for our needs. We sit in classrooms and focus on lessons instead of entertaining ourselves in order to be smart enough to make more money to meet our needs. So if we don’t learn that all of our actions have consequences, aren’t we doing further harm to our children by not preparing them?
The article states that by using punishment to correct an unwanted behavior in a child, you are actually making the situation worse. “The more you use punishments to respond to behavior, the more you are actually escalating behavior and creating a reality where you have more behavior problems,” the article states.
That fact we can agree on, as we’re certain every parent has been in a situation that has seen things escalate seemingly no matter what form of punishment you throw out there. Anyone who says otherwise is full of shit – major shit – that much we’re certain of. But the issue here isn’t that punishment itself is the wrong avenue, but rather, the specific punishment chosen was not appropriate for that specific time.
Look, kids are complicated little humans and are filled with all kinds of emotions and frustrations as they learn new things. Your parenting has to be flexible enough to move with the ebb and flow of the emotional ride they will undoubtedly take you on. But more importantly, you must stick to a plan of teaching them that there are consequences for their actions – sometimes it might be timeout. Others it might be taking away a favorite toy or making them pass on a fun activity they wanted to do.
The same thing doesn’t work every time. Funny how that works just like life, isn’t it? And after all, isn’t that what we’re trying to get them ready for? Forget what the so-called experts say and just go with whatever you feel is best for your family. Just keep it legal. Please.
Momma Juice 
Leave a comment